Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
