I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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