seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
