I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
