dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
