So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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