walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
