What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
