I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
