Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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