if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
