I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
