I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
