Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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