Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
