My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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