why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
