I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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