my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
His hands were made for my vagina.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
