who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
