you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
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You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
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legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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