My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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