Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
