Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
