the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
