just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
