Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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