So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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