Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
