So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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