I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
