Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
