so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
This is classic penis vs brain.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
