Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He felt like a one man threesome
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
