whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
