I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
