How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
