Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
