I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
