I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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