My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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