He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
This toilet bowl is my home.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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