She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
