I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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