NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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