This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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