Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
