Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
