sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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