Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
