first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
