in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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