I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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