hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
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I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
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