All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
