What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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