Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
