I seem to have left my pride at pride
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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