The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
