and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
