Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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