I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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